scared

Can I just say how totally freaked out I am by the whole TTC process again? How scared I am to be in that limbo waiting and hoping? I don't know if I can deal with the disapointment every month. Not many people know how hard it is...it's like that dream you had dies. And you have to watch your dream die month after month. See, you don't want to let yourself hope. But every month...when you see you had GREAT O timing...you start dreaming about that March baby...April baby....summer/fall/winter/spring baby. You see all the things you are associating this this baby...and you hope...you pray...you might even touch your stomach a few times...thinking...is s/he there? What is forming right now? When will the heart start beating...and then the dreaded time when you go to the bathroom and realize that your April baby is not to be...and you cry. For a second something inside of you dies and you cry. And your promise yourself that you won't let yourself get your hopes up...you won't stress about it this month...and inevitably you pick up your thermometer and go on your way.

Pretty soon your friends start having kids and you're left in the dust. Baby shower announcements come...birth announcements...and sometimes even 1st birthday invitations and a little part of you dies.

I don't want to let TTC consume me, I don't want to take my focus off of James and shift it to some hypothetical not yet concieved soul up there...I'm scared that will happen...but I'm more scared that it will have to happen...that time will go on and I still won't have a baby.

I say I'm 'okay' with the fact that James may be an only child...but deep down I don't know if I am. I thank God for James daily, but he is such a joy I can't imagine not having more...

But then I think, why would I want to take my focus off of him?

So torn...